Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Then and now

It has been almost 10 months since i separated from Betsy's dad. It feels like a lot longer if I'm honest. To look back on where i was and who i was all those months ago seems strange, like a totally different person. I feel like so much has happened since then. 

There was so much i was worried about, so much i genuinely didn't think i would be able to deal with on my own. 

I worried i would regret it. 

I worried i wouldn't ever be able to shake off the guilt that is attached to such a life changing decision. 

I worried that Betsy would be affected and struggle with the fact that her mummy and daddy aren't together anymore.

I worried that it would have a negative affect on my ability to be a mum, something that i knew i already found hard. 

I worried that i wouldn't be able to cope financially.

I worried that my mental health issues would go into overdrive.

I had no confidence in myself. I felt worn down. I had become so reliant upon one person that the thought of going it alone utterly terrified me. Terrified me to the point that i found myself truly believing i didn't want to be here anymore.

It scares me how trapped i felt. All through my own doing, letting myself get to a point where i literally believed i couldn't cope without them. 

All of those things i worried about were wasted worries. I have been fine, i am fine, and i will carry on being fine. 

Admittedly Betsy's dad has stepped in a couple times to have Betsy etc when i have been struggling with my depression. What i am fast learning though is that i have the most amazing friends around me. People who know me and know when i am getting bad. People that i am no longer afraid of being honest with, people that i know love me and would never judge me. Ive realised how needlessly i relied on him. 

All those months ago i couldn't see how things would improve. But honestly taking that step has been one of the best decisions of my life. I cannot put into words how totally empowering it is to be in control of me. Silly things, like the fact that i rely on me and only me to pay my bills. I can decide what i want to watch on the tv, or where i want to hang that picture, or what i want to have for tea. Totally ridiculous things, but things all the same. 

For the first time in a long time i don't feel like i am reliant on anyone, i don't need anyone. Everyone i have in my life are people i am genuinely happy to be sharing it with, not people that i feel like i have to have because i won't manage without them. 

Being a single mum is never something i envisioned happening. In this day and age there are so many negative connotations attached to such a title. Granted, there are a minority of people who live up to these stereotypes. But that doesn't mean we all fall under the same umbrella. I'm sure i can speak for a lot of people when i say breaking up my family was by far and wide the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. It is not something i did because i was bored, or because i thought i would be better off, or because i wanted to have every other weekend to myself and go out. 

I started writing this post without any clue of where it was actually going to go, i just felt like i wanted to reflect on things, to remind myself of where i was and where i am now. But i guess maybe i just want to reach out to anyone else who is in the position i was in, or any tough time in their lives, and tell you that it will be ok. Things might be shit at the moment, they might get shittier, but one day i promise you will look back at this time and feel so incredibly proud of yourself. All those silly things people told you, all the negative comments, all the doubts and the opinions and the i know best-ers. The people who are convinced you will regret it, that you won't be happy, that you won't cope. 

You totally will. You will shine like a star my dear.