Me

I am writing this after a particularly shit night with Betsy. Awful bed time, numerous wake ups throughout the night and then a 4.23am start. I literally cannot remember a time in my life where I have been so tired, so exhausted. I am counting down the hours untill her daddy picks her up. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to give. I don't want to be a parent today. I don't want to have to entertain a toddler. I don't want to do it. 

I don't know quite why I feel like this. Obviously the lack of sleep plays a major part. But I've had bad nights with Betsy before. And I've still not felt like this. My depression has been relatively at bay lately, apart from a bad day last week. I look at my gorgeous daughter and wonder how I could possibly not want to be around her. 

Of course not every day is like this. I love being around her. I love having her. Of course I do. She's my daughter. 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like she deserves far more than a mummy who counts down the days till she gets a break. 

There is only so much I can blame on depression, anxiety, the stresses of being a single parent to a particularly challenging toddler. More and more I wonder if the problem is simply me. I'm not cut out for it. I know other mums say it's hard, but I don't know if they find it as hard as I do some days. I'm not good at being a parent. It doesn't come naturally to me. I don't deserve to be her mummy when I feel like this.

I know tomorrow is a new day. And I'm sure il wake up feeling completely differently. But for now I'm stuck on today, a day which feels like it's never going to end, one which I just want to get back into bed and shut myself away from. 

Guilt

I've not done a blog post for a little while. I've had lots I want to write about, but no time in which to do it really. What with moving out and adjusting to life as a single mum. So this is just a quick one, as I feel like my head may explode if I don't get out what is going on inside it. 

This overwhelming feeling of guilt just won't budge. It won't go away. Every time Betsy asks for her Daddy. Every time I get stressed out with her when she is going nuts. Every time I have to hand her over to her Daddy, and every time he hands her back. Every time she cuddles me, and every time she pushes me away. It never leaves me. 

I don't feel like it ever will.

I feel guilty when I think of his family too, who have done so so much for me. Things they didn't have to do. I miss my relationship with them, so much. 

I am so grateful that me and Ashley continue to get along. I can turn to him when I'm having an awful day with her, and know he won't judge me. I absolutely couldn't wish for a better man to bring up my daughter with, something I have of course always known, but something that stands out massively now. 

Us separating was for the best, there is no doubt about that. We both know it. I wasn't happy and quite frankly treated Ashley appallingly. I will be the very first person to admit that. 

We are both ok with what has happened. 

But I don't know that Betsy is. And this is what I struggle with. All I can do is explain my reasons when she is old enough to ask, and hope she accepts them.