I've not done a blog post for a little while. I've had lots I want to write about, but no time in which to do it really. What with moving out and adjusting to life as a single mum. So this is just a quick one, as I feel like my head may explode if I don't get out what is going on inside it.
This overwhelming feeling of guilt just won't budge. It won't go away. Every time Betsy asks for her Daddy. Every time I get stressed out with her when she is going nuts. Every time I have to hand her over to her Daddy, and every time he hands her back. Every time she cuddles me, and every time she pushes me away. It never leaves me.
I don't feel like it ever will.
I feel guilty when I think of his family too, who have done so so much for me. Things they didn't have to do. I miss my relationship with them, so much.
I am so grateful that me and Ashley continue to get along. I can turn to him when I'm having an awful day with her, and know he won't judge me. I absolutely couldn't wish for a better man to bring up my daughter with, something I have of course always known, but something that stands out massively now.
Us separating was for the best, there is no doubt about that. We both know it. I wasn't happy and quite frankly treated Ashley appallingly. I will be the very first person to admit that.
We are both ok with what has happened.
But I don't know that Betsy is. And this is what I struggle with. All I can do is explain my reasons when she is old enough to ask, and hope she accepts them.