Friday, 29 May 2015

What has happened

I have tried over and over and over again to write this post these last couple of weeks. I haven't felt able to, and i still don't, but i need to. I need to get out everything in my head.

Me and Ashley have separated. 

I am in the process of moving out of our home.

It is something that needed to happen. We both know this. And i think we can both live with that. Sometimes things just don't go to plan, things don't end up the way you thought and desperately wanted them to go. 

But something i am struggling with is the guilt.

Our family is broken. We are no longer a unit. Betsy will never remember, never know what it was like to have her parents together. Her life from here on out is going to spent split between me and her Daddy. A few days here, a few days there. 2 bedrooms. 2 homes. Both separate from each other. 

Will she grow up to hate me, will she resent me for what has happened? Will she ever be able to forgive me?

Because it is my fault entirely. 

I have tried and tried so hard, but i have just fallen out of love with Ashley. It devastates me to have to type that. I have struggled with these feelings for a while. I have tried so desperately to push them to one side and carry on. Thinking it was just a phase, maybe its my depression, maybe I'm just having a bad day. But it hasn't been any of those things. I don't want to feel like this. I would do anything to change the way i feel. 

Ashley is my absolute rock, i cannot imagine how i am ever going to cope without him. He knows everything about me. He knows my little ways. He knows how to deal with me when i am in the midst of a horrible depressive phase, or when anxiety is trying to take over my life. He knows what to say. 

Even this last week, since we have separated, he has been amazing. Helping me to find somewhere to live, to work out how i am going to manage. Everything. He has been there. He is still there. And i have no idea why. It isn't something i deserve. 

We agree that the only thing that matters in all of this mess is Betsy. We are still getting along, and will continue to, because of her. We don't hate each other, i could never hate the Father of my daughter, never. We will do whatever it takes to ensure this affects her as little as possible.


  1. Just wanted to say I can totally empathise with how you're feeling right now. I have been through this and I won't lie, it's not easy. When you become a parent you don't imagine that you will have to 'share' your child and sacrifice time with them. It's hard but it does get easier and in the end it is so much better for everyone if there are two separate but happy families rather than one miserable one. Your lovely little girl won't resent you. These things happen. Wishing you lots of luck, you'll be OK xx

  2. Be thinking about you, hope you find some happiness and peace eventually xx

  3. I'm so sorry you're going through this but if you and Ashley weren't right together then this is the best thing for all of you. Betsy will grow up with two happy parents rather than two miserable ones and maybe it is better to get the split over now when she is too little to remember. Big hugs x

  4. I'm so sorry to read this but like others have said it's the right decision in the long run. You can pretend for you, Ashley or Betsy. In time things will feel better. Sending lots of love xx

  5. Can't pretend that should read. Sorry again xx

  6. You're amazing. Stay strong lovely x

  7. A difficult one; life hey. So lovely that Ashley is understanding and supportive and I hope you will continue to be friends. All the best as you walk through this road.