Thursday, 19 February 2015

#100BloggingDays Day 2- Losing control.

My depression comes in waves.
I can have days when I feel fine, I can cope with my daughter screaming at me and having tantrums and refusing to eat and everything else. I can get up from a night of awfully broken sleep and feel like a zombie, but still manage to be upbeat and happy, and to play with my daughter and get what needs to be done done and not even give it a second thought. I can have days where I am silly and ridiculous, and I mess about and laugh.
On these days, everything is ok. I am ok.
And then I feel it. A gentle tug beginning to pull me under, telling me that soon I am not going to be ok. I can feel It beginning, but I cannot stop It. I am powerless. I try and tell myself that I am stronger then It. But I know it is all lies.
And when I get this feeling, when I know It is coming for me, I feel guilt. Awful awful guilt for what I know I am going to be like. How horrid it is going to be for anyone that has to spend time with me. Although a lot of them wont know what is happening. It is Ashley who bears the brunt of it all.
On the days that It is in charge, I cannot cope. I cannot cope with anything. I go into autopilot, doing what I have to do. I am miserable to be around. I try my best to hide It from Betsy, but she knows. And she is affected by It, this horrible suffocating all-consuming thing. She is affected and she knows 
I am not myself. She protests and misbehaves, she gets stroppy and whines and cries and wont be entertained by anything, she clings to me and wont let me move. And I struggle so much. I drag myself through the day, and by the end of it I am exhausted. I stop trying to fight It. I sit defeated, tired and wasted on the sofa next to Ashley, not speaking or even acknowledging him, not asking about his day or how he is feeling. Nothing.
On these days I just want everything to stop.
 
 

The Dad Network

13 comments:

  1. Big hugs! I don't know what else to say, just want to send you a hug! Xx

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  2. Depression is horrible it really is! Sending hugs x

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  3. Depression is a terrible thing. Sending hugs and happy vibes xx

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  4. Depression is such a horrible thing! I know, reading this I completely get it and I am exactly the same. Those days hit and they hit harder than you expect and are totally in control of what you do. The distancing thing is so difficult but when you are like it its incredibly difficult to do much more than just exist. On the days I am up I look back and feel so much guilt for not interacting or engaging with anyone the way that I really feel that I should. Know one thing though none of us who suffer are alone. Am so pleased that you linked up with us for the #bigfatlinky talking about it and sharing it is one step closer to breaking down those barriers! Hugs being sent.

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    1. Thank you very much. I find it so hard to deal with, but writing does help so much. Just getting it all out xxxx

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  5. So brave of you to share! Sending love and hugs x

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    1. Thank you. I find it helps to write about it xxx

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  6. Completely agree with Kim. I think you are incredibly brave to write this post and if more people were as honest as you, the world would be a better place. I am sorry that you are experiencing this and hope you have a solid support network. Thankyou for sharing such an important issue and for linking up #bigfatlinky

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