I am writing this after a particularly shit night with Betsy. Awful bed time, numerous wake ups throughout the night and then a 4.23am start. I literally cannot remember a time in my life where I have been so tired, so exhausted. I am counting down the hours untill her daddy picks her up. I feel like I have absolutely nothing to give. I don't want to be a parent today. I don't want to have to entertain a toddler. I don't want to do it.
I don't know quite why I feel like this. Obviously the lack of sleep plays a major part. But I've had bad nights with Betsy before. And I've still not felt like this. My depression has been relatively at bay lately, apart from a bad day last week. I look at my gorgeous daughter and wonder how I could possibly not want to be around her.
Of course not every day is like this. I love being around her. I love having her. Of course I do. She's my daughter.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like she deserves far more than a mummy who counts down the days till she gets a break.
There is only so much I can blame on depression, anxiety, the stresses of being a single parent to a particularly challenging toddler. More and more I wonder if the problem is simply me. I'm not cut out for it. I know other mums say it's hard, but I don't know if they find it as hard as I do some days. I'm not good at being a parent. It doesn't come naturally to me. I don't deserve to be her mummy when I feel like this.
I know tomorrow is a new day. And I'm sure il wake up feeling completely differently. But for now I'm stuck on today, a day which feels like it's never going to end, one which I just want to get back into bed and shut myself away from.
Hun I feel your pain today after an awful night. I think any depression and anxiety on top of that must be hell. You are a fab mum and always put Betsy first. It's just a shit day and tomorrow will be better. My tip is just keep busy today...go out if you can and you may start to enjoy yourself a bit xxxx
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone with that feeling. After bad nights, and we have had many, I have felt the same and felt guilty for it. She's doesn't deserve more as she has you and you are all she needs. You love her and that's the main thing. I think all parents feel like they don't want to be around their toddler at some point so don't beat yourself up. If you need to talk or vent you can to be xxxx
ReplyDeleteBig hugs girl! Seriously life through the filter of not enough sleep is really dark so please give yourself a break until you've caught up. I probably wouldn't apply for the job of mother to a wayward toddler but I do it anyway! That's what makes parents so great :)
ReplyDeletePlease don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you are a great mum and the fact that you feel guilty about the way you feel shows it. Its perfectly natural to have days when you want to be free, i know i do. Having a child can feel like a massive responsibility. You are doing great and it will get easier. xxx
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love your way. Just know you are doing great and sometimes I wake up wishing I didn't have the responsibility that day. Big hugs xx
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