It is 5.34am and I am typing this after a very shit night with Betsy. I had another post lined up for today, a positive non moany one, but that will have to wait, simply because i am so worked up and anxious and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.
I have had such an awful night with Betsy. She has alternated between my bed and hers, woken every other hour and taken ages to get to sleep. She demands a bottle every time she wakes up. I usually end up giving her a couple of ounces, which i then fret over because i know I'm just making things worse. She woke up earlier at 4.20am and i refused to give her one, and she screamed and cried for a whole hour. Relentlessly. Until my only options were to give her one or get up. Given that we were both incredibly worked up and probably quite unlikely to go back to sleep, we are up.
At the age of two, i know that by now she should probably not really be having bottles, at least no where near the amount she has. She has one before her nap in the mornings. She has one at bedtime. She has one a couple of hours later when she wakes up. On a good night thats all she has. But on the bad ones, which are pretty regular at the moment, she will wake up another 2-3 times, sometimes more. Each time she demands a bottle. She will shout and scream for one. Very very occasionally i am able to coax her back in to bed and she will go off to sleep without one, but that is really hardly ever. When i do give in, i only give her a couple of ounces of milk, so its not like she is having full bottles throughout the night.
I wouldn't have such a problem with this if it didn't affect her during the day, but it does. She will not eat. She picks at things but rarely actually eats anything. Maybe there are lots of reasons for this, but i cannot help feeling like it is her nighttime bottles that are the issue. I just do not know what to do. I feel totally lost. I am just so worked up about it all. I cannot believe that she is still such a terrible sleeper.
I have briefly spoken to her dad about it, who has the same problems. I feel like she is worse for me, although in reality its probably more likely that she's the same for both of us. I don't know what to do. Every single night i dig myself into a deeper hole. I have no control, i let her walk all over me. I genuinely cannot see any of this getting any better, and i feel like I'm not good enough. Being a single parent i feel like i have no one to turn to or deal with this alongside. So unfortunately you will all have to hear about it instead.
I know to lots of people i'll seem like i am over reacting and maybe once I'm a bit calmer i'll think the same. But right now i am so incredibly worked up about it and i just had to get it out.
It makes it that little bit worse that i have my first counselling/CBT telephone consultation today at 11.30, which i am dreading. Right now i feel like i just want to beg them to cart me off somewhere. Not that i will, nor would they do that. But my anxiety is through the roof.
I am so gutted that this has to follow my last blog post, which was a lot more positive!
(Us in happier times. Definitely not this morning!!!)