On Monday, I finally broke. I finally let out all that I had been desperately trying to keep inside of me for the last couple of days. Knowing I would never win. That it would inevitably take control of me once again.
Ashley said goodbye as he went to leave for work and I couldn't stop myself. I began to cry, and I just couldn't stop. I was halfway through feeding Betsy her Weetabix, and I couldn't continue. I couldn't do anything except cry.
I felt awful for springing it upon Ashley, just as he was heading out the door to a busy day at work. He didn't need this. He didn't need the burden of my depression on his already over burdened shoulders. He didn't need to be worrying about how I would cope.
Ashley shouldn't have to walk on egg shells, tip toeing around me wondering what I'm going to do next. Whether today is going to be a good day. Or a bad one. He desperately tries his best with me. He tries to say the right things. He tries to do as much as he can with Betsy so that I can rest. I can have a break.
This isn't how it was supposed to be. I shouldn't find bringing up my beautiful daughter such a struggle. I shouldn't be sitting on the sofa desperately wishing I was anywhere else but here with her. It isn't her fault. She has done nothing wrong. She doesn't deserve it.
She doesn't deserve to have to live with me and my all consuming depression.
Neither of them do.
I am so tired. So desperately sick and tired of it all. I am exhausted. Each time I start to emerge from it, reach the light at the end of the tunnel, I tell myself this is it. I'm going to beat this now. I am not going to let it in anymore. I am not going to let it ruin my daughters childhood. I am not going to let it carry on controlling me.
But it always comes back. My words and thoughts wont ever get through to it.
I wonder whether I need to go back to the doctor. Whether I need to up my dose of Fluoxetine. I have wondered this for a little while. And it fills me with so much sadness. I don't want to rely on tablets to make me a happy mummy, a happy fiancée.
I don't want any of it.
I also wonder what if that doesn't work. What if this evilness will not be silenced, no matter what. What if I am destined to forever be a burden upon anyone unfortunate enough to be around me on these bad days. The thought of this terrifies me. I don't want my daughter to have to deal with it. I don't want Ashley to have to deal with it. I don't want to have to deal with it.