Wednesday, 11 March 2015

A bad day

On Monday, I finally broke. I finally let out all that I had been desperately trying to keep inside of me for the last couple of days. Knowing I would never win. That it would inevitably take control of me once again.
Ashley said goodbye as he went to leave for work and I couldn't stop myself. I began to cry, and I just couldn't stop. I was halfway through feeding Betsy her Weetabix, and I couldn't continue. I couldn't do anything except cry.
I felt awful for springing it upon Ashley, just as he was heading out the door to a busy day at work. He didn't need this. He didn't need the burden of my depression on his already over burdened shoulders. He didn't need to be worrying about how I would cope.
Ashley shouldn't have to walk on egg shells, tip toeing around me wondering what I'm going to do next. Whether today is going to be a good day. Or a bad one. He desperately tries his best with me. He tries to say the right things. He tries to do as much as he can with Betsy so that I can rest. I can have a break.
Betsy didn't need it either. She doesn't deserve it.
This isn't how it was supposed to be. I shouldn't find bringing up my beautiful daughter such a struggle. I shouldn't be sitting on the sofa desperately wishing I was anywhere else but here with her. It isn't her fault. She has done nothing wrong. She doesn't deserve it.
She doesn't deserve to have to live with me and my all consuming depression.
Neither of them do.
I am so tired. So desperately sick and tired of it all. I am exhausted. Each time I start to emerge from it, reach the light at the end of the tunnel, I tell myself this is it. I'm going to beat this now. I am not going to let it in anymore. I am not going to let it ruin my daughters childhood. I am not going to let it carry on controlling me.
But it always comes back. My words and thoughts wont ever get through to it.
I wonder whether I need to go back to the doctor. Whether I need to up my dose of Fluoxetine. I have wondered this for a little while. And it fills me with so much sadness. I don't want to rely on tablets to make me a happy mummy, a happy fiancée.
I don't want any of it.
 I also wonder what if that doesn't work. What if this evilness will not be silenced, no matter what. What if I am destined to forever be a burden upon anyone unfortunate enough to be around me on these bad days. The thought of this terrifies me. I don't want my daughter to have to deal with it. I don't want Ashley to have to deal with it. I don't want to have to deal with it.


  1. Oh hun, I know exactly how you feel. I didn't want to rely on tablets either, but I realised I was getting worse so had no choice but to go back on them. The docs doubled my dose & I feel so much better for it. I can reduce them again when I feel ready. There's no shame in taking the tablets if it helps you to feel better, just think of it as a crutch for a short while. You wouldn't struggle with a broken leg so take the help in the short term to help in the long term. Big hugs, if you want to talk you know where I am xx

    1. U are right, I realised this earlier, and have a doctors appointment for the morning now. I have to put aside how I feel about taking the tablets and think about my daughter, its so important for her that I get some help. Though like u said, there is no shame. I really appreciate your comment. Thank u, its so nice to know I'm not alone xxxx

  2. don't give up - keep battling this - just one step at a time and you will get there. look after yourself. xx

    1. Thank u so much. U are right, I will get there xxx

  3. I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, life sucks sometimes! And it usually sucks the most to the people who do the less to deserve it.
    I defiantly would advise a trip to the GP, I was totally shocked by my visit, I wish I had gone sooner. You must stop thinking you're a burden, YOU ARE NOT. I'm sure your husband is lucky to have you as a partner and Betsy is lucky to have you as a mum. They wouldn't be without you. The bad times will pass and you will get through the dark days and you'll appreciate the good days so much more. If tablets help you to feel better then there is nothing wrong with that, just as if you had diabetes or asthma. I am always here to chat, drop me a line anytime, I'm no pro but i've been there, sometimes it's reassuring knowing you're not on your own xx

    1. On good days I know what u are saying is right, but on the bad days I won't believe it. I just feel so guilty.
      But I have a dr's appointment now so hoping something good will come from it. Everything came to a head today and I just knew I needed to do something. I don't know where I have gotten this irrational dislike of being on medication because like u said, it is an illness. Hopefully things will get better in time! Thank u so much for commenting lovey, really appreciate it. U are right, it is nice knowing I'm not on my own xxxx

  4. Oh I know exactly how you're feeling and it's such a bumpy road but you're doing the right thing by going to the docs and getting a helping hand. As Lianne said, an illness is an illness whether it be physical or mental and if you need tablets that's ok. Big massive hugs, you're not alone. If you need a chat, dm me on twitter. Lots of love xxxxxxxxx

  5. I really felt I had to comment on this. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I suffered with this horrible horrible illness years before my daughter was born & I came out the other side. Then as soon as she was born I was struck down with PND & I hated myself for letting depression come back into my life, You feel so guilty because you should be enjoying your little one & your new family. But all you want to do is cry. It's so frustrating! You will come through this lovely! It is such a hard journey but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. I tried this method of writing a list before I went to bed every night of everything I was grateful for that day. Even little things like 'I have a roof over my head, my child is healthy, I have a loving partner, Evie smiled today, it was sunny'. Although I was on medication, went to groups & spoke about how I was feeling a lot, this list seriously helped me. Being a mum is so hard. It's testing, frustrating, lonely. But there are so many little great things about it too. It is so amazing that you can come on here & share with such an amazing community of people how you are feeling. Just always remember from all of these comments that you are not alone. Xxx