Monday, 27 April 2015

A is for Anxiety

The last week or so, my anxiety has been sky high. It has been triggered by one thing, but it is affecting everything. It is constantly there, from the minute i wake to the minute i sleep. And even then, its still there. It causes me to have the most vivid dreams. That Ashley has left me, that i have done something unforgivable, that Betsy has been harmed. Awful dreams that mean even when i am asleep I've still not escaped it. I don't wake up feeling rested and refreshed, regardless of how much sleep i have had. 

It is so hard for me to explain my anxiety. I feel like depression is a lot easier to put into words. I don't really talk about my anxiety much, simply because i feel like i just sound ridiculous. Like whoever is listening is just wanting to tell me to get a grip. It is so exhausting; the constant knotted feeling, the racing heart, the breathlessness, the sweatiness, whenever i am in a situation i am not comfortable with. 

I get massively worked up about being out in public on my own. I feel like everyone who see's me laughs at me. At what i am wearing, what i look like, how i walk, how i have my hair. Anything. I worry about something happening to me or Betsy. If i go into a shop and don't end up buying anything, i worry that i look like a shop lifter. That the people who work there are looking at me thinking i must have stolen something. I get paranoid as i leave the shop, then feel relief when i get outside. I worry that i will bump into someone i vaguely know, that i will have to make awkward chit chat, that i will say something ridiculous. If i want to go inside somewhere such as acafe, i worry that i will get inside and there will be no tables. Or no highchairs for Betsy. That i will in some way make a scene and embarrass myself. Every single thing i do, i have to think about. I have to mentally prepare myself to go into that shop, or cross that road. Much of this probably sounds stupid, even a bit silly. I think it does, so i can only imagine how someone other then myself thinks about it. 

I constantly worry about having a migraine. I suffer awfully with them. They come on suddenly, within half an hour i can go from being totally fine to having my head down the loo. I literally cannot move, i am bed bound, i am sick. They are absolutely awful. Thankfully i don't have them very often. But i worry that i will. That i will be at work or out somewhere or home alone with Betsy and i will get one. If i look at a bright light or something that makes my eyes go a bit funny, I start feeling sick with worry that this is going to turn into one, because that is how my eyes go when it starts. I have medication for them, strong pain killers and anti sickness tablets, that i carry around with me, but this doesn't make me feel any better. It makes no difference. 

I struggle with meeting new people. Sometimes it isn't even meeting new new people, i could have met them a couple of times before, but i will still feel awkward and anxious around them. It takes such a long time for me to feel totally at ease around someone. And until such a time i am anxious and self conscious around them, i feel awkward and unable to think of things to talk about. I probably come across as a bit stand offish or ignorant. Which makes me feel worse, because i am really not like that at all. 

I can find nights out tough. Even if it is somewhere that i have been before. It is always a mixture of emotions leading unto it. I am excited to be spending time with friends and having a night off from being a mum. But equally i am nervous and anxious. I am on edge for the entire night, rarely unable to just relax and enjoy myself. I worry that i will get too drunk and end up in some awful situation, or that my friends will. I worry that some silly drunk person will target us. I worry that i will lose everyone and end up alone. I worry that i will lose my belongings. I worry that i will end up with a horrendous hangover the next day. I'm not a big drinker. I stop when i am tipsy and switch to water. This suits me fine, as aside from my anxiety, i genuinely don't want to be paralytic and a state the next day. But this too makes me wonder whether i am boring and ruining everyone else's night. Which i am sure is not the case, but in my ridiculous head it seems a very likely possibility. 

Picture credits

I find it hard being in new places. I worry about what the place will be like, whether i will know what to do or where to go. If i am at a restaurant I've never been in before, i worry about where the toilets are should i need to use them. Even if i am told exactly where they are, unless i can see the door i get worked up about not being able to find them on my own. I worry about what the place i am going to will be like, will it be busy. If i am with Betsy, will it be suitable for her? Will it be child friendly, will people get annoyed if she cries? If i am staying away from home, i worry that something might happen, i might get ill or be unable to get home. 

I have started to become anxious about work too. When i went back after having Betsy i found that i actually looked forward to going, to the break, to just be 'me'. But recently this has started to no longer be the case. I get myself into a state. I find i am ok when i am within my work base. However my job requires me to support people in the community. To attend doctors appointments, do shopping, or even just go for a walk. After reading about just how much of an ordeal it can be for me to go out on my own, I'm sure u can imagine how it feels having to actually support someone else to do the same. It is a massive thing for me. I haven't spoken to my work about this. I don't know whether i should. I don't have the confidence to do it, to know that they will listen and take on board what i have said. Simply because i feel so ridiculous about it all myself, that i just cannot believe that they will take me seriously.

Betsy is the only thing that gets me through this. I am desperate for her to not be anything like how i am, and i force myself to put all of this to the back of my mind and do things for her. Because more then anything i want her to have the upbringing that she so deserves, and not be held back from doing anything by me. 


  1. You are beautiful, you could dress as a tramp and I'd still find you beautiful, but you never look ridiculous, and it's horrible that you feel this way but you really should have more confidence in yourself, you make me proud everyday, proud that someone like me has such a beautiful, intelligent & funny fiancé! Proud that you have such a beautiful relationship with Betsy and proud of the Mom you are to her and how I watch you both grow as people.
    There is one thing in this life you should never worry about and that is other people's opinions, people who judge you are nothing to you! And as you have heard me say many of time F@CK them and there funny hair cuts!

    Love you lots.

  2. Such a brave an honest post, I can relate to some of your fears, I suffer too but only on a small scale mainly with large social events and new people/environments. It must be really mentally draining and consuming for you! For me instead of looking for a magic cure I try and work around it and work out ways to live with my fears. I hope in time things will get easier xx

  3. Easier for you xx sorry silly phone!

  4. This is so sad to read. No one should feel the way you do. Please get some help with your anxiety. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve a happier life than this. Go and see your GP and don't let them fob you off with drugs. Ask about other sorts of help that may be available in your area. There is probably an anxiety group you could attend. I know it sounds a bit naff but spending time with people who feel the same could really benefit you. You are not alone in this. I hope you find some peace soon. xx

  5. I can relate to alot of your post, and I know exactly how you feel when you say you feel silly, because you don't want to feel like that, but you can't help the way your mind works. I don't have any advice, but I hope things start to get easier, and I'm glad you have such a supportive partner.

  6. This must have been a really hard post to write. It must be so hard to be in the situation all the time. I agree with Cheryl...can your GP help? Maybe something other than tablets? Maybe a group or some relaxation therapy. I hope things start to improve but just think you are a fab Mum to Betsy and have such support in Ashley xx

  7. I could have written this myself. I have a lot of the fears that you have too like walking out of a shop without buying anything. You are most certainly not silly for thinking this way as I think a lot of people do. You are really brave for writing about it. Big hugs xxxx