Overwhelmed

I have been so rubbish with my blog recently. I keep willing myself to come on here, i write things in my blog notebook, ideas for posts, notes. I take pictures of things and i start posts and i get myself organised. But i just cannot do it. There is always something bothering me, preventing me from concentrating enough to finish my post. 

I feel like i have so much going on at the moment. I haven't really, i am just letting little things overwhelm me. I know this, but i feel as if i have no control over any of it, over the way it is all getting to me.

picture credits

The big move. I cannot wait to move, i am so excited about it, i am. But i am also so anxious. Anxious about the packing (which we still haven't started with just over a week to go), the settling in, the amount of stuff we will have to sort out. The grown up stuff like changing addresses. The promise i have made to myself about getting Betsy to sleep in her own bed once and for all. I don't want to do any of it. I feel so stressed out about it all, even more so then i did when we moved whilst i was pregnant. It all seems like such a mammoth task, one that feels like it won't end. 


Our current house it a complete mess. Everywhere i look i see clutter. I just have no motivation to clean or tidy it up, because i just keep thinking that its all going to get a bit worse soon when we start to pack. 

The wedding. I am so incredibly worked up about it all. The cost of it scares the shit out of me. Ashley is fantastic aBut at the moment it just feel nd has it all under control, but i still worry. I just cannot see how we are ever going to be able to pay for it all, and still have some kind of life. I have things coming up, a friends hen do, birthdays. And instead of looking forward to it, i find myself mentally working out how much it is all going to cost, and whether or not i am going to be able to afford it. Which i will, of course, somehow. And once the wedding has been paid i know life will go back to how it was and we will be able to live a bit more comfortably. It just all feels a little bit much at the moment. 

I feel like i am turning into the mother i so didn't want to become. Letting Betsy sleep in our bed every night is just the one thing i didn't want to happen. I feel completely ashamed of myself. I hate it. I don't sleep properly, as she wakes me up with every wriggle and movement. Then i spend the day being short tempered and impatient with her, a complete witch of a mother, because i am so tired. Counting down the hours until Ashley comes home from work.  Granted it isn't everyday, but it is more often then not. Then it gets to bed time. And i put her to bed, feeling disappointed and angry with myself for being in this situation. I have a crap nights sleep. The cycle continues. And although i have told myself i will sort it out when we move, i have no idea whatsoever how i am going to go about it. I am completely dreading it, but i know it has to happen. 

I am constantly waiting for my depression to emerge again. The last few weeks, since i had my medication increased, i have noticed a change in myself. I have definitely found things easier. My anxiety has been up and down, but i have felt ok. Though every time i feel a bit iffy, a bit tired or run down, a bit fed up after a rubbish day, i silently panic, wondering if this is it. If the next few days are going to be a write off, a blur of bad feelings and blackness. I am so tired of living like this. I so am. 

My sister has also found herself to be in a bit of a dire situation too, through no fault of her own. Which is the reason that she is staying with me. I won't go into details as to what has happened, but everything is just a bit up in the air and rubbish. As her older sister i feel obliged to help her out. Of course i don't mind one bit, i would do whatever it took to help her, that goes without saying. It's just a lot to deal with, with everything else going on in my silly head.

All of this aside, Betsy is also being a bit of a pain. I know this is the norm, but i just wish she could settle down a bit. She is just so naughty and mischievous, and i struggle a little bit. She is also going through what we think is a bit of separation anxiety. She absolutely howls when i am out of eyesight. If i go upstairs or into the kitchen she screams until i return. When her nanny had her a couple of times this week, she screamed. Not the whole time, but still. Her daddy cannot put her down in the evening, she just screams and screams until i appear, then settles straight away. Which isn't nice for him or for me. 

I write this after one of the worst nights sleep i have had in a long time. Mainly due to Betsy, but also due to me. When she did sleep i laid there for what felt like forever going over everything in my head. I just couldn't sleep, couldn't switch off. 

I don't know what to focus my energies on first. The last couple of days i have found myself constantly anxious, constantly having a knotted feeling inside my stomach. I hate it. I don't know what its going to take for me to relax a little. Writing this post has helped me slightly, getting everything out. Although now i will probably read and re read it and just get myself into more of a state!